Queerly Beloved

Like most people, I grew up dreaming of what my wedding day might look like. I thought about seeing my partner walk down the aisle, and how we would dance while the band played our song. I thought about the words that we would say, and how we would celebrate with so much happiness in our hearts. And, when I was a kid, there was always a beautiful dress. I remember seeing Princess Diana’s wedding dress, and Celine Dion’s, and thinking just how beautiful those massive trains were. I always wondered what my partner would choose, and how beautiful they would look.

When I was a kid, I didn’t know I was gay. I thought I was different, but I didn’t understand how. So that traditional big flowing dress was something I just expected would be part of my wedding. Maybe I should have paid attention to the fact that I was so interested in beautiful dresses, but as a kid, I was just finding happiness in the things that I loved. And it wasn’t just dresses. It was Figure Skating, and Celine Dion, and crafts. Things that “boys don’t do”. After years of hearing slurs from the kids at school, I began putting parts of myself into boxes, and hiding them away. By the time I was 14, I had hidden the parts of myself that really made me happy because I was so afraid of what they would mean.

Years later, at 29, I finally came to terms with who I am, and shared the truth with my family and friends. It’s been a long 7 years of unpacking those boxes, finding those things that brought me joy, having a good cry, and then letting them become part of my life. Through all my reflecting, I thought about that dream wedding from when I was a kid, and how much of it would have to change.

But why should it change?

Seriously, why can’t there be big dresses? And who says I can’t carry a bouquet? It shouldn’t stop there either - What if I want to include a fire ritual? or a Drag Queen to officiate (Scarlett Bobo, please get your marriage license!) I don’t want bland chicken, I want saucy ribs. Why can’t I have the wedding I want?

I’ll tell you why. Because officiants can deny marrying same-sex and queer couples in Ontario. Because we, as vendors, don’t push the envelop. Because, as a society, we are at the beginning of our journey of being truly inclusive. That’s what inspired Queerly Beloved, and this photoshoot. I want to take every beautiful dream that I have in my little boxes and let them live. And I want that for every single one of us who has ever had to hide. It’s time we think outside the box, and create ceremonies that celebrate all of our uniqueness. I think this starts with taking the gender-typical elements of weddings and subverting them. And so, I worked with Sixpence Bridal, Lydia Ivy Photography, and Blooms + Flora to bring one of my dreams to life.

Vendors, It’s time we talk about changing things. Let’s step out of our comfort zones, so that others can find theirs. It’s here that we will do our most creative work, and make beautiful queer dream weddings a reality.

If you have a story to share, or want to continue this conversation, I would love to listen.

Everybody, this is Ike. Ike, this is Everybody.

Just wanted to gush a little about the new love of my life. 

This is Ike - the man I’ve been waiting all my life to fall in love with. He is a 3-or-so year-old Mastiff with the deepest growls, and the biggest heart. He’s a little bit anxious around new friends, but who isn’t? Give him a scratch in that spot he likes, and he’ll love you forever. 

When COVID-19 shut us down, Ike lost his home. For a few days, some new friends at KW Humane Society kept him safe until we could meet. Since then, we’ve been best friends. He loves to keep me safe by sitting on my feet while I work, sitting with his feet on me when we watch TV, or lying his head on my feet when I sleep. 

Since I was little I have always wanted a dog like Ike. An 80lbs lap dog to cuddle up with. Dogs bring us so much joy, and truly bring people together. They become part of the family, and are so loving. For Ike, I know very little about his previous home. In fact, what I do know I’ve learned from how he acts. Like when we moved to our new home together, and I pulled out my suitcase. His meltdown made me ache knowing someone must have left him, with their suitcase following behind. I can’t imagine that it was an easy decision to leave an animal as loving as Ike. You can tell he was very loved, and I hope he knows how much love I have for him, too. 

I’ve learned that love is often out of our control. After talking to so many couples, it’s something I see frequently. We fall in love with someone and do what it takes to make a wonderful life for and with them. Sometimes it happens right away, and so intensely that you know it was the right decision from the get go. Other times, you love someone so much, and know that the wonderful life they deserve means being apart. I don’t think my heart has ever stopped loving someone; it just loves them differently. By allowing those emotions to shape themselves, I’ve learned so much more about myself and my relationships with others. It’s given me room to open my heart to so much more. Which is a good thing because I honestly have so much love for this big goof. 

If you’re like me, you’ve got a ton of love to give. It’s brought so many interesting people into my life, even if only for a brief moment. But those experiences have always been valuable to me. I am so thankful to have learned to love the way I do. But more importantly, I am so thankful Ike needed someone at the same moment that I did. Every time I sweep up his fur balls around the house, I smile knowing I never had fur to sweep up, and now, he has someone who loves sweeping up after him. 

Rescuing a dog is an incredible journey. Difficult at times, but so important for this animal. Please consider adopting your next fur family member, by visiting KW Humane Society, or a local shelter near you. There are so many animals with hearts as big as Ike’s that are waiting to love you back. 

5 years ago, I learned Pride.

Excited, anxious, terrified. I was waiting for my Tinder date at the bar at Joey’s Yorkdale. I kept looking at the door breathless. The bartender made small talk - I think she knew I was nervous. A beautiful girl approached me “Hey, are you Kevin?” I don’t even remember if I said a word, or just shook my head no. The bartender laughed “You should have said yes,” she said. Ready to bail, I texted my best friend Tif, needing her to push me in the right direction. She always does. Deep breath. I look to the door. And there he was. I was now on my first date with a man.

°.°.°

I reflect often on that time in my life - when I learned who I am. But it didn’t start with smiles and fanfare. For a long time, I was self-loathing. I felt like I was lying to myself, my family, and my friends. If you’ve met me, you know I’m an open book. But I was hiding that chapter from myself. I formed relationships with people hoping to find the version of myself I thought others wanted me to be. It was killing me.

I talk forever about community, and the people that we surround ourselves with. Tif at the time was a critical part of my community. She was the only person who knew what I was dealing with at the time; she was my life line. Without her, maybe I would have stood up and left that bar. I certainly wouldn’t have been able to pick myself up off the floor when I got home that night and cried.

Love drives us. It drove me to discover who I am, and it drove Tif to support me in coming out. Support like that is what helps us self-identify, and find the courage to be proud of who we are. Slowly, I started to share my secret with my community. Looking back, I was certainly confused. I was projecting my fears on others. I was looking to be the person I thought they wanted me to be. Look at your own communities. You’ve included these people in your life because they support your decisions and love you no matter what. So when standing up and proclaiming what love means to you, why would they ever do anything but support you? Who my community wants me to be is myself.

I have an uncle who, when he learned I am gay, said “we’re here to love each other, not judge each other.” I believe that to my core. My community - my family, my friends, my colleagues, my couples - we are here to love one another. We are here to support one another. I can’t imagine who I would be today if it wasn’t for all of them. Because if I didn’t have them, I wouldn’t know love. And I wouldn’t feel safe being myself. I wouldn’t have Pride in the man I’ve become. Thanks to my community, I am happy. Thanks to my community, I love who I am.

.°.°.

We left the restaurant, 5 years ago today, and went for a walk. It was snowing so softly. We stopped under a lamp post, I turned to Albert and said “here goes nothing”. And we kissed.

There was no spark between us.

But I never felt more alive.

“Habitation” by Margaret Atwood

Marriage is not

a house or even a tent

it is before that, and colder:

the edge of the forest, the edge

of the desert

the unpainted stairs

at the back where we squat

outside, eating popcorn

the edge of the receding glacier

where painfully and with wonder

at having survived even

this far

we are learning to make fire

“How falling in Love is like owning a dog” by Taylor Mali

First of all, it’s a big responsibility,

especially in a city like New York.

So think long and hard before deciding on love.

On the other hand, love gives you a sense of security:

when you’re walking down the street late at night

and you have a leash on love

ain’t no one going to mess with you.

Because crooks and muggers think love is unpredictable.

Who knows what love could do in its own defense?

On cold winter nights, love is warm.

It lies between you and lives and breathes

and makes funny noises.

Love wakes you up all hours of the night with its needs.

It needs to be fed so it will grow and stay healthy.

Love doesn’t like being left alone for long.

But come home and love is always happy to see you.

It may break a few things accidentally in its passion for life,

but you can never be mad at love for long.

Is love good all the time? No! No!

Love can be bad. Bad, love, bad! Very bad love.

Love makes messes.

Love leaves you little surprises here and there.

Love needs lots of cleaning up after.

Somethimes you just want to get love fixed.

Sometimes you want to roll up a piece of newspaper

and swat love on the nose,

not so much to cause pain,

just to let love know Don’t you ever do that again!

Sometimes love just wants to go out for a nice long walk.

Because love loves exercise. It will run you around the block

and leave you panting, breathless. Pull you in different directions

at once, or wind itself around and around you

until you’re all wound up and you cannot move.

But love makes you meet people wherever you go.

People who have nothing in common but love

stop and talk to each other on the street.

Throw things away and love will bring them back,

again, and again, and again.

But most of all, love needs love, lots of it.

And in return, love loves you and never stops.

From “The Velveteen Rabbit” by Margery Williams

“What is REAL?” asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. “Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?”

“Real isn’t how you are made,” said the Skin Horse. “It’s a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real.”

“Does it hurt?” asked the Rabbit.

“Sometimes,” said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. “When you are Real you don’t mind being hurt.”

“Does it happen all at once, like being wound up,” he asked, “or bit by bit?”

“It doesn’t happen all at once,” said the Skin Horse. “You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.”

“I suppose you are real?” said the Rabbit. And then he wished he had not said it, for he thought the Skin Horse might be sensitive. But the Skin Horse only smiled.

“Someone made me real,” he said. “That was a great many years ago; but once you are Real you can’t become unreal again. It lasts for always.”

William Niholson’s original illustration 

Ceremony Music Tips

One of the additional services I offer is music for your ceremony. I get a lot of couples who tell me they have no idea what music to use! Ceremonies usually consist of 3 songs - an Entrance, a song for signing, and a recessional. But don’t forget some light music for your guests to listen to as they are taking their seats! Here are some tips I give to my couples when making these decisions: 

• Listen to the lyrics. Its easy to fall in love with a melody, but sometimes the words aren’t so appropriate. There’s a great song out right now called “Marry Me” by Thomas Rhett that I get requests for often. Pretty song, but it talks about him drinking at the back because “Yeah, she wanna get married, but she don’t wanna marry me”. The best songs for a ceremony are about how love makes you feel about each other.

• Think about timing. When it comes to a procession, a lot of couples want the bride to walk in to her own song. I actually encourage against this. The most popular wedding song last year was “Yours” by Russell Dickerson - put it on now. Consider the length of your aisle - usually 15’ to 50’. How long will it take you to walk at a slow pace? The song doesn’t hit its build up until 2:26. So your whole party could enter before you, and you can walk in at the pretty part!

• Plan an extra signing song. On average a signing is under 5 minutes, but your photographer might want to slow you down for photos. Have a back up. On average a song is only 3.5-5min.

• It’s not cheesy if it’s meaningful. Don’t over think things. If you have an idea that you love, do it. I had someone this year say “but everyone’s tired of that song”. So instead, you want to settle on something you don’t like? Choose what you want, not what others will like. This is your ceremony. I had a beautiful ceremony a year ago where they listed every wonderful love song you could think of, and we found a instrumental version of each to make it their own, and it was so perfect.

Music sets a tone. It reflects you, and connects us all. Let’s pick music that speaks to you 

If you’re looking for inspiration, follow my AppleMusic account, <a href=“https://itunes.apple.com/profile/BCausLove”>@BCausLove</a>.

One of my favourites from this year!  Dan + Shay - Speechless

From “Captain Corelli’s mandolin”, by Louis de Bernieres

Love is a temporary madness; it erupts like volcanoes and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of eternal passion. That is just being in love, which any fool can do. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Those that truly love have roots that grow towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossoms have fallen from their branches, they find that they are one tree and not two.